Other Strangeness — merritt k

101 Street Fighting Secrets

101 Street Fighting Secrets
  1. Protect your head. It is the “computer” which operates your body and defending it must be your highest priority.
  2. Keep your arms up at all times.
  3. NEVER turn away from your foe. This includes using “spinning” punch or kick maneuvers which look good in movies but are likely to only get you killed in reality.
  4. Assume that every situation could turn violent at any time.
  5. Learn to deliver a snap forward kick to the opponent’s groin in order to quickly disable them.
  6. Protect your own groin at all costs.
  7. Breathe. Many street fighters forget to breathe in battle, thus depriving their bodies of life-giving oxygen at a critical moment.
  8. Master the finger-jab strike. Using a “fang-like” motion, deliver a sharp blow to your opponent’s eyes to blind him and grant yourself the advantage.
  9. Use your environment. Improvised weapons can be found in the form of pool cues, pipes, bottles, rebar, etc.
  10. Disregard all advice to harness your “chi.” Chi is made-up nonsense.
  11. Be vigilant at all times. An attacker may jump you from behind, to the left or right, or even from above. Expect the unexpected.
  12. Carry a gun. A firearm is an efficient means of quickly ending a street fight, in some cases even before it begins.
  13. Carry a knife. Criminals love knives, which appeal to the “animal killing zone” of their undeveloped brains. Having a knife of your own will allow you to counter their blade tactics.
  14. Be prepared for “cyber attacks.” Assailants can use a computer internet connection or even a mobile phone to assault you from a distance by physically reaching into the device and extending their fist towards you on the receiving end. Spurn such devices and destroy any you already own.
  15. Maintain eye contact. This will demonstrate your superiority over your foe.
  16. NEVER look down. Looking down indicates weakness. If you must break eye contact (to make eye contact with a second attacker, for instance) then look to the left or right on a perfectly level angle with the horizon.
  17. Always check the backseat of your car for hidden threats. It is trivially easy for someone to hide behind your seat and leap up when you settle in and strangle you with a garrotte or piano wire. Don’t be a victim.
  18. Take karate classes. Discounts for these can easily be found on Groupon, though it is safest to ask a friend to purchase them for you. (See #14)
  19. Blade your body. Become as the sword of the ancient Samurai.
  20. The ancient Samurai knew nothing. That is why they went extinct.
  21. Never punch a man with a closed fist. Punching an animal with a closed fist is not recommended, but acceptable.
  22. Make yourself seem larger than you are to scare off attackers. Wear lifts, find a large fur coat, and make use of illusory patterns such as vertical stripes to create the impression that you are a hearty giant.
  23. Bite. Tear. Sup on the flesh of your enemy.
  24. Don’t blink. Blinking provides a fraction of a second for your foes to get the drop on you. Practice not blinking for an extended period of time — and use eyedrops to moisten your eyeballs.
  25. Acquaint yourself with the bones of the human body. A human body has five main bones: head, body, arms (2) and legs (2). Use this knowledge to your advantage.
  26. Tell jokes to put your foes off guard. I heard a good one the other day. A guy goes to see his doctor and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news, and which does he want first. The guy says the bad news, and the doctor says you have six months to live. The guy asks what’s the good news? The doctor says, while you were waiting for the punchline I have slipped behind you, ready to destroy your head bone with a powerful strike.
  27. Master the double-thumb gouge. An opponent’s eyes are made of a much softer material than the rest of his body and are thus vulnerable. Press your thumbs into them like ripe grapes. Make wine with the eye juices of your fallen rivals.
  28. Pray to God before each street fight for your victory. It couldn’t hurt.
  29. Lift weight everyday. Some people will tell you your muscles need time to heal and grow. They’re only telling you that because they don’t want you to be as strong as them in case they ever end up in a street fight with you.
  30. It is possible to catch a bullet between your teeth. I saw someone do it once. I don’t really remember his name but it was pretty cool. Unfortunately his foe shot him a second time in the gut immediately afterwards.
  31. Words are powerful. Many books and films depict words as being able to physically kill. I haven’t figured out which words do this yet but there are only so many so you’re bound to get it eventually.
  32. Knees are the clubs of the body.
  33. Be a good actor. If you can convince an attacker that you are a famous celebrity or have a serious illness they may decide to choose another target.
  34. Carry a small amount of sand in your pocket at all times. Use it to blind an oncoming attacker while you retreat or prepare a reprisal. Sand can be freely obtained at a local beach.
  35. Know your exits. Familiarize yourself with any ingress and egress points immediately upon entering a new situation. Note all doors, windows, hatches, vents, skylights, and trash chutes.
  36. Befriend a wild dog or wolf by saving it as a baby and nursing it back to health. It will be your companion for life.
  37. Consider paying a professional to attack you when you are least expecting it. I saw this in a movie once and it worked pretty well.
  38. Be wary of lawyers. Even if you win a battle on the street, you may lose the war in the courtroom. In America, you can be sued for anything including allowing your tamed wolf to gnaw off your neighbor’s leg.
  39. Wear sunglasses to conceal your intentions. Additionally, conceal your intentions even from yourself. Act without thought and your opponents will never be able to anticipate you.
  40. When parking on a hill, turn your tires towards the sidewalk. This is just good advice generally.
  41. Never wear headphones in a dangerous area. These signal to criminals that you are “easy pickings” in the same way that the injured or old antelope on the plains are targeted by lions. Instead, turn your headphones inside out to project aural dominance over your personal space.
  42. Avoid public transit.
  43. If you must take public transit, hold your hand under your coat in the shape of a gun so nobody gives you any trouble.
  44. Be fractally cognizant.
  45. Prepare for retaliation from your enemies. To prevent retaliation, ensure that your foe cannot identify you. Grow a beard, dress differently, obtain plastic surgery, or change your name and residence.
  46. There is a small government tracker located just beneath the skin a few inches below your armpit. You can remove it with the assistance of a bathroom mirror and a simple household kitchen knife.
  47. Master the art of “going nuts.” Appearing insane may frighten your rivals into leaving you alone.
  48. Use that move that the guy did in The Matrix. Remember that? When he tries to jab him in the throat but he backs up a little so he flicks his fingers out and hits him that way? Like that.
  49. Carry mace. Carry a mace. Both are effective.
  50. Avoid fighting two opponents at once. If you must, attempt to get them to try and attack you from each side. At the last moment, duck. If performed correctly, they should knock each other unconscious.
  51. If sufficiently startled, a man can be killed by snapping his pinky.
  52. Know how to deal with the police. A police officer cannot legally ask you to stop shadowboxing or practicing flips in a public space as long as you are not impeding the flow of traffic.
  53. The ancient nunchaku are a fine weapon for a skilled warrior.
  54. Beware the small and apparently weak man. He may be a “grower,” someone whose muscles only achieve their full mass when a street fight begins in earnest.
  55. Scampering up a tree is always an option.
  56. Never trust anyone in a combat situation.
  57. That includes me.
  58. One time a guy I knew went into this biker bar totally naked and told one of the biggest guys in there that he needed his clothes and bike and the guy laughed but then my friend beat everyone up. It was pretty awesome.
  59. Give voice to the nameless pain which thrashes inside you at all times like a many-legged insect.
  60. At least eight species of the horned lizard are able to pressurize and fire streams of blood from the corners of their eyes in order to confuse predators. My preliminary research into this phenomenon suggests that it is possible for humans to do the same after a great deal of training.
  61. Learn ground fighting. Like men, all fights eventually return to the earth.
  62. Calculate the impact of your blows using this simple formula: V x M x A + SC, where v is velocity, m is mass, a is anger, and sc is the “screaming quotient.”
  63. Humiliation can be a powerful tactic. For instance, a rival may be humiliated by being forced to wear a schoolboy outfit and demand that papa spank him for his insolence. That’s just one possibility.
  64. Carry a briefcase. It suggests power and authority, and can be used to conceal a number of deadly weapons. Additionally, it can secure your lunch against thieves through the use of a key or combination lock.
  65. The scent of a man’s sweat can tell you a great deal about him. It may be useful to get close enough to lick the sweat from his body in order to determine his current emotional state.
  66. Reticulate splines.
  67. Wear weighted clothing during your daily activities. This will strengthen your body and improve your agility. At an appropriate moment during a fight, remove your heavy gear and amaze your foe with your suddenly-heightened speed.
  68. See the truth behind all things. Your opponent’s body is made of the same hollow matter as everything else. One day all of this will return to the void.
  69. Boycott the Whole Foods on 34th Street. They kicked me out for being a lethal weapon and also for practicing eye gouges on the organic seedless grapes.
  70. A baseball bat makes an effective weapon. Consider also wearing a catcher’s mitt to convince onlookers that you are merely on your way to an amateur sporting event rather than hunting a hated foe.
  71. Use your ears. The first sign of trouble is often auditory rather than visual. A grunt, a gasp, a cry can all signal the beginnings of battle. Sometimes someone simply yells “I’m going to kill you.”
  72. Learn to enjoy the sight of blood. Train yourself to become aroused by its presence. This will give you the necessary edge to defeat an otherwise matched rival.
  73. Amphetamines can increase your reaction speed and strength. Obtain them through whatever channels you are able to.
  74. Some ancient mystics claimed to be able to shift their organs in response to enemy attacks. A myth? Perhaps, but doctors also believe that the female uterus migrates throughout the body on occasion, so this may be a useful ability to acquire…
  75. Always hold back a little bit of your true fighting ability. Then, at a pivotal moment in a street fight, you can reveal your true power and defeat your foe.
  76. Read the Art of War. Read it again. Read it a third time. Explain it to your grandmother. Burn your copy in a ritual fire and inhale the smoke to fully absorb its wisdom.
  77. Being behind the wheel of a vehicle will give you a significant advantage over non-car-based street fighters.
  78. Wear loose-fitting clothing, but not too loose. Go to a tailor and ask them for the “street fight” special. Tell them I sent you. They’ll know what to do.
  79. What if you could shoot knives out between your knuckles? That would probably be really useful in a combat situation.
  80. Keep your mouth closed and avoid flaring your nostrils. A canny opponent will exploit any weak point by driving a finger or fist into your skull cavity towards your vulnerable brain.
  81. Never draw your firearm unless you intend to fire it. If your target runs away before you have the opportunity to discharge it, fire a few rounds into the air in celebration or frustration instead.
  82. Give your fists intimidating names and recite them before you throw the first punch. For instance, “Bonnie and Clyde,” “Bill and Hillary Clinton,” “Arsenic and Old Lace,” and so on.
  83. Learn the old ways. Travel the world and acquire the secrets of blood magic from the ancient masters. Summon a netherbeast and bind it to your will with a dark pact. Ask it for advice on dating as a divorced father.
  84. Disregard “martial arts” classes which are run by egotistical narcissists who only want your money and will eject you the first time you deploy a serious technique during a sparring match with a 12 year old.
  85. A good day starts with a good breakfast.
  86. If possible try to be raised in a stable family situation which gives you unconditional love and positive regard during the crucial period of your childhood at which you are totally dependent on your parents. If you don’t receive this love, search for it elsewhere as an adult. A good replacement is becoming a deadly fighter who is banned from Buffalo Wild Wings for sending back the wings repeatedly after finding a human toenail in them (bring the toenail from home).
  87. Never accept an opponent’s surrender. As Hollywood shows us, this is often a ruse in order to get you to lower your guard. When your enemy asks for your mercy, come up with a clever quip before kicking him in the groin repeatedly.
  88. Recite affirmations in front of a mirror each morning. A few possibilities: “I am a honed killing machine.” “My street fighting ability is feared by all.” “My adult son respects me.”
  89. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. When someone tries to make you feel inferior you should demonstrate the folly of their actions by inflicting a powerful blow to their solar plexus.
  90. [redacted]
  91. Minimize your surface area. The loss of a limb may seem like a disadvantage in combat, but it actually reduces the planes upon which an attacker can strike.
  92. A larger foe can be strategically dealt with by making his size work against him. For example, telling a muscular opponent that he is actually quite small and feeble may cause him to develop muscular dysmorphia over time.
  93. Be your own boss. Make your own rules. Write your own laws. Declare yourself a sovereign state.
  94. Synergize your combat potential. A punch or a kick is good, but a simultaneous punch-kick combo is better.
  95. Criminals are a fearful lot. Consider adopting a frightsome image to strike terror into their hearts, thus preventing confrontation. A few possibilities: wolfman, mummy,
  96. You miss 100% of the groin shots you don’t take.
  97. A strong name makes a strong man. Changing your name to “Jim Power” or “Tex Manly” will project an air of confidence, and can also be useful as a means of escaping legal trouble (e.g. alimony collection).
  98. Only you can prevent forest fires. It is your duty as a warrior to protect our national parks with your fists.
  99. Protect yourself against opponents who might target your groin by wearing a cup or decorative codpiece.
  100. There is something growing within me. Something horrible. I have seen the face of evil and it whispers to me to reject my humanity. Every night I crawl into bed and plead for a dreamless sleep but it comes to me always, urging me to crack bone and tear sinew, to become an animal capable of nothing but pure violence. Only in this way, it says, can the species advance. I know not of whence it came. I think it has been with us since the earliest days, since the first man slew another with his bare hands. It will never leave us. Even now it taunts me with my weakness.
  101. Don’t neglect cardio.

merritt k

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