It’s been a calendar year since we met Foreskin Man. It feels longer, though, doesn’t it? Like the protective, elastic skin that Dr. Mutilator yearns to tear from the vulnerable bodies of newborn boys, time has stretched out over the shaft of reality over these last twelve months. Let’s slow jerk a little while the world burns.

April 4th was Foreskin Day. Did you forget it again? Who could blame you? I mean, why do the gays get a whole month while the prized foreskin with its many nerve endings and shielding tissue only gets a day? Probably it has something to do with the J— sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep your eyes on the prize. We’ve got a whole cast of characters to meet and a lot of lore created by a desperate writer who landed the world’s weirdest gig in the most lubricated crossover since Avengers: Infinity Whore to get through. But every franchise has to start somewhere. Who’s the Captain America of penile health? Aside from Captain America, I mean.

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