- Eyepatches come into style as a result of the semi-ironic Tiktok trend scallywagging. Tiktoks about the origins of the term “scalawag” claim that the trend is appropriative in some way. Unsubstantiated stories circulate on Twitter amongst the middle-aged and easily duped that a teen in Iowa was allowed to have his eye surgically removed at a state funded-hospital, omitting the part of the story where it was a medically-necessary operation that had nothing to do with pirates.
- Partly through deliberate strategy, partly through blundering whim, America continues to isolate itself on the global stage. As the economy descends into chaos, the country is suddenly given an unexpected gift — against all odds, Alberta votes to separate from Canada. The US immediately annexes the territory, turning the province into Puerto Rico north as millions of Albertans are displaced, seeking entrance to Canada as refugees.
- The AI bubble bursts. Expensive computer components briefly become as cheap as Aeron chairs were in the wake of the dot com crash. Ed Zitron begins a new career as a singer-songwriter.
- In the wake of yet another high-profile public assassination, a startup launches to offer a product for the wealthy and controversial who want to avoid a similar fate, an Iron Man-style helmet that gives the wearer a heads-up display and voice-activated AI assistant while making their head completely bulletproof. No wearer is ever involved in a violent altercation, but a security exploit is discovered that allows hackers to remotely deactivate the helmet, rendering its wearer completely blind. A video of a health insurance executive smashing his nuts against a fire hydrant in such a state becomes the most-shared video of the year, and the startup goes out of business.
- “Default mode network” replaces “dopamine” as the psychological buzzword du jour. Wellness influencers tout the benefits of sitting quietly for extended periods of time doing nothing at all. Millions of people discover their latent psychic powers which have been suppressed by the constant stimulation of modern society. The Brain War begins.
- The nostalgia and trend cycles accelerate to such a degree that 13 year olds become nostalgic for last week. Children are hopelessly disconnected from youth culture as soon as they graduate from kindergarten.
- An ironic Widget the World Watcher reboot comes out where he’s depressed about how bad the environment has been fucked up in the last several decades. Nobody notices that it exists until 2028.
- The UK makes it illegal to use the internet without a license. Acquiring a license involves completing a written test with questions on the definition of a woman, the cultural heritage of golly dolls, and the contents of Enoch Powell’s “Rivers of Blood” speech.
- Katy Perry writes a song about Justin Trudeau’s penis.
- A scientist successfully creates “mirror life,” cells with opposite chirality that are invisible to the immune systems of regular life. Mirror bacteria escape into southern Europe, spreading relentlessly across the continent and making the Black Plague look like rookie numbers. “Mirror-chan,” an anime character who personifies the phenomenon, becomes the most popular cosplay for adult content creators and their remaining viewers.
My Predictions for 2026
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