We have fun around here, don’t we? We get silly. Ribald, even. We plumb the depths of the pop cultural landfill and have ourselves a great big chuckle at things that should not exist. But there are limits. Each of us here at 1-900 Hot Dog at some point encounters something so soul-rending, so antithetical to life, that we are faced with a question: do we leave it be and write a nice little article about Police Academy action figures or cross the moral event horizon and expose you — and ourselves — to the full horrors of the Warp?

Swaim made his choice with Walnuts. If they hadn’t already years ago, then Sean and Brockway did when they covered The Milky Life. And now, I stand on that same precipice. And that reminds me, did you know that while the Police Academy precinct playset looks suspiciously similar to the iconic Ghostbusters firehouse, it’s actually a different mould, whic—

No. This isn’t the way. Courage, merritt.

This article is about Robot in the Family, a 1994 “comedy” “film” “starring” Joe Pantoliano and John Rhys-Davies. As far as I can tell, it was created for the express purpose of making a robot movie more racist than Short Circuit.

From the very first shot, something is terribly amiss. You might assume, based on the cover, that this is a movie about a wacky robot babysitter. And it’s kind of about that. But it opens with the theft of a priceless helmet from Mecca. Recall that it is 1994. Review the stars of this picture. And understand that whatever you’re picturing, the reality is much, much worse.

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