It used to be that you couldn’t gamble on your phone while jacking off and smoking weed. You used to have to go places to do things in America: a casino, the adult bookstore, your weird dealer’s house where you don’t know how long you’re supposed to hang out with him to be polite. We’ve become a soft nation, addicted to the full spectrum of sinful pleasures which are immediately accessible to us at all times. We want it all, and we want it now. John Patrick weeps.

Who is John Patrick? He’s the insanely unlikeable star of So You Wanna Be a Gambler! Learn How to Win at Slots.

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